When I Started My Career

When I started my career as a junior software developer at 23, I was full of excitement and curiosity. Everything was new, the codebase, the business domain, and even long working hours.

Like most beginners, I was eager to learn and grow. I reached out to every person who has more experience than me, unafraid of rejection.

For the first couple of years, I worked under a manager who was technically brilliant, the kind of person who could solve any complex design problems faster and better than anyone else in the room. I respect that immensely. But over time, I realized something important: being highly skilled and being a good leader are as different as apples and oranges.

The Subtle Impact of Leadership

My manager often looked down on others. He didn’t yell or insult, but his subtle condescension, in words, tone, and facial expressions, could quietly chip away at your confidence.

He was occasionally cheerful, but often sarcastic. Whenever I approached him to learn something, I prepared myself to “pay the price” first; to be ignored, diminished, or patronized, and then, if lucky, I’d get the knowledge I was seeking.

Even years later, I still find myself thinking about him from time to time. Not out of admiration, but because of the discomfort the experience left behind. It took me years to understand why.

experiences like that leave emotional fingerprints. When you start your career under someone’s authority, their behavior can quietly shape how you see yourself, and how you see leadership.

What stayed with me wasn’t him as a person. It was how I felt around him: diminished, uneasy, constantly evaluated. Those emotions took longer to unlearn than any technical skill I picked up in those years.

Why I’m Writing This

In psychology, writing a letter to your younger self is a form of self-compassion. It’s a way to acknowledge and validate the suffering you experienced, and to promote emotional healing.

Instead of writing a letter, I chose to share my story here, for those who may one day become managers or leaders.

Lessons Every Manager Should Hear

Looking back, I don’t hold resentment anymore. I hold clarity. That experience taught me some of the most important lessons about what real leadership means.

I've learned, technical skill doesn’t make you a leader. And certainly, being the smartest person in the room is not an achievement in itself. Real strength lies in helping others grow.

I've learned, the way you speak matters. People will forget your clever solution, but they’ll remember forever how you made them feel when they were learning.

I've learned, respect builds trust, not authority. You don’t earn loyalty by reminding people how good you are, you earn it by making them feel valued.

I've learned, Leadership is emotional work. Every time you give feedback, every look you give during a code review, you’re shaping someone’s confidence. Choose to build, not break. If you’re impatient, dismissive, or arrogant, others will mirror or withdraw from that energy. Emotional intelligence is a technical skill, too.

Moving Forward

With time, distance, and the guidance of some truly great managers, I’ve learned to separate the lessons from the person. I took the good, the knowledge, the discipline, and left behind the insecurity and self-doubt.

That experience now serves as a quiet reminder of the kind of professional I never want to become. I strive to be the kind of teammate who lifts others up, who makes learning safe and exciting, not intimidating.

A Note to Managers

If you manage people, especially young developers, remember that your words carry weight. Your influence doesn’t end when they leave your team; it can echo in their minds for years.

Use that power with care. Be the leader someone remembers for giving them confidence, not for taking it away.